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Just a couple of days ago, I ran into a forumite who out of curiosity asked me if I knew the whereabouts of some prominent and radical members not heard from at The Forum. Well, I told him if one is not “heard from” or seen around anywhere, it means the fella might either be serving time for crack possession, joy ride and pimping, or may have joined his or her ancestors. Then he said, “You think Ukaobasi is a dope dealer?”
I didn’t say that, he did, and I’m not mentioning any names. So he kept asking questions about this, and about that. It was a whole lotta fun hanging out with this guy who loves his Heineken lager and local politics. He said BNW is his first home for the fact that the founders were the same rascals—his word, not mine—who sent the egghead Okenwa Nwosu packing at Nigeria dot com, and made and unmade Egbeomooduduwa dot com. Like I said, I’m not mentioning any names. But his concern was actually about the MIA’s from the heydays of egbeomooduduwa dot com to the superb and robust BNW.
He talked about the smartness of Adaeze, Ijeomaanuntu, Chinyere, Renee, Fumi Onodipe and Blessing. He talked about how Yvette is attractive enough to inspire a case of obsession at first sight. He talked about his crush on Yvette and how looking good can be hazardous to a young woman’s health.
Then he wondered whatever happened to Joe Onyeocha after his knee surgery, and Hels, Ndigbo’s cousin whether he has been released from jail. For those who do not know, Hels was sent back to prison for parole violation and Ndigbo is now on crack causing commotion in the projects at Boston. He also mentioned MeBiafran whom he said should be unopposed as Best Newcomer should the annual awards hold this year. He questioned why hasn’t the flamboyant award taken place. I told him the war on Iraq and terrorism was the reason.
It was a hell of an evening, and the gist while Carlos Santana’s classic “I ain’t got nobody that I can depend on” and other rock classics aired from a classic rock station:
On Egbendu: The spoiler of democracy and heavy drinking tyrant sold his rights for a bottle of Star Lager Beer.
On Bizon:The neocon is still picking up fights at gay bars and wants his money back from Chuck for breach of sexual contract.
On Capricorn: Now on skid row.
On Risi Nantroof, Mr. Lighthouse’ half brother: The former Aso Rock chef was just granted bail for boot-legging.
On Mr. Lighthouse: Selling drugs in the Bronx area of New York.
On Yinka Adeyemi: Stopped playing double and stand in for the stupid Yinka Adeyemi of Naijanet.
On 2ndeh: Moved back to Ebute Ero and now running errands for building material traders. Life ain’t easy in London, bro!
On COLO: The former Health Minister looks more like a coward and may have been indicted for insurance fraud.
On Wind: Another traitor and may have ended up in jail somewhere in Alaska.
On Dr. Damages: Still loves his reggae music and marijuana.
On Le Figaro: The political animal is still moving, has lived everywhere on Planet Earth.
On Ajibola Robinson: Onyemaechi and Ikechukwu drove him nuts. He is now a madman.
On Solid:The former chaplain and New Jersey-based pastor is always trying to be a nice guy. Now building homes for families in need. Will never forgive Obasanjo for destroying his hometown of Odi. “The Odi Sorrows,” remember?
On Uche_62: The Egbeomo mistress is still mad at her ex for dumping her ugly ass. Wants a husband real bad.
On Chudi: Fumi Onodipe, I.G. Nwafor, Kajethan O., Mufu Ganiyu Adegboye, Bababoyz, Onyemaechi, Tunde and Egwuatu Ozoemena sent him packing at Egbeomo. He never recovered.
On Ebe: TAEF busted him after he squandered all the money he embezzled while running errands at Egbeomo.
On Chuba: The Abacha apologist is still hiding his identity.
On Lado: The crook who claims to be Stanford University professor will never reveal his identity and where he lives in cyberspace.
On Ahmed: Still hates bookish people. Ajibola Robinson got him into trouble.
On Danladi: Left his house help job in Russia and now a beneficiary of Hausa-Fulani oligarchy in his state of Kaduna.
On Oluwato: Thought TB would propose so they could move in to her Loma Linda University Village home. She is still in love with TB.
On Beepee; Still flirting around with Bababoyz and B-boyz is not revealing to her he is married with children. May be pregnant with Bababoyz’ child.
On Dele Ogunremi: Still driving school bus in the woods of Canada.
On Marikel: Still looking for Ms. Wekson in the New Jersey area.
On Seun: The sage and former drug czar is out there having fun and signing autographs.
On CSE: Although he coined the word ROM (Read Only Mode), but please don’t tell anybody: He’s now on rehab.
On Babatunde: Diane broke his heart. Looks like he will never recover.
On Waffiboy Still loves his fishing and poaching. Just be careful. Poaching is not a good sport.
On Zaiyol “Take That” Karl: Now a hobo on the streets of Stevens Point, Wisconsin. I miss his “take that” expression.
On Mr. OneNaija: The self acclaimed masters degree holder in architecture still can’t find a job in his San Francisco gay neighborhood.
On Big Steve: The lay pastor’s church in Southfield, Michigan has been closed down for criminal activities. He’s been selling dope and pimping his church members. Where is his attorney Don Mbama?
On Chiropractor: The I.G. Nwafor’s nemesis and quack doctor is in jail for bogus claims and Medicare fraud.
On Toks Ok: The political salesman gave up politics and is now retired to his harbor township of Portsmouth, England. He found a new neighbor and good friend in Mallam Umaru Ibrahim.
On Mobolaji Aluko: Ever since the radicals at egbeomo killed his SNC project, he has never been the same again. Adding insult to injury, Seun nailed him once and for all.
On Keshi: The big mouth, former External Affairs Minister and neo-socialist chickened out. I think he is just a coward.
On Balogun Adeniyi: Still smelling rat like Jegede of Masquerade.
On Enobong Umoren: The Akwa Ibom native ain’t giving up yet. Came to BNW and still mad at COLO for snitching.
On Wale: He may have lost his job as manager of Burger King in Orange County, California.
On Orems: The two-faced mad gynecologist is now on the run for raping his clients in Brooklyn, New York.
On Topcrest: The Lagosian is still agonizing over his nightmarish fantasies of sleeping with a snake.
On Adisa O: May have hit the jackpot after Chuck kicked him out.
On Dave Ituru: Not yet a complete metamorphosis. Likely to succumb to the law of nature on his way.
On Mr. B: Lost his hearing from listening to heavy metal songs. Also, has never passed a drug test.
On Iroh: Joe Onyeocha busted him.
On Yomi Messiri, “The Nigerian Jew”: Now a born again and may have married his boss’ exwife in the Providence area of Rhode Island.
On Uwasef: Another traitor who is also on the run for series of schemes and credit card fraud in Southern California. Flushed kilos of coke in his toilet when the cops came knocking on his door.
On Nkem Ejiofor: Just don’t wanna leave Danish blondes alone and will never stop reading John Gray’s “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” Wish Amanda Wekson was around so they could play a little bit. You feel me?
On Laolu Akande: The Ambassador-at-large and sensational US correspondent of the Guardian Newspapers has, without a doubt, outperformed Rudolf Okonkwo in journalism. I think he is a smarter guy.
On Rudolf Okonkwo: After the timid guy hauled 100-gallon cans of water a day for a living, he visits America and gets blown up. Journalism ain’t that easy, man. Get a real job.
On Kunle: The founder of the so-called Village Square should stop being nosy. BNW is bringing out a lot of ideas, and with the dubious Africa West, don’t count on Kunle.
On Ugali Shaga: The former Internal Affairs Minister may be planning a bloody coup with his kinsman John Shagaya. Why do you wanna do that, man!
On Bababoyz: Wanted in the New England area by cyber Interpol for assault with a deadly weapon and series of credit card fraud in cyberspace.
On Tunde Onabanjo: The former Chief Justice and Attorney-General is now on the sidelines watching with keen interest a predictable explosion of Biafranigeria.
On Major Benbella: The former Defense Minister is now retired to his ranch in upscale Madison, Wisconsin. It's rumored he impregnanted a 16-year-old next door neigbor.
On Antoine Welsh: Oh, I miss that brother, man!
On Clement Ikpatt: Still heart-broken. Never knew what hit him.
On Chiboy: Played the good guy but now an extremist to the core.
On Mr. Fathead: Came when it was all over. Never knew the tyrant at egbeomo until he savagely axed him. Now he’s an extremist to the core at BNW.
On Biafra: The former president may be cooling it off with his colleagues at his California ranch. Don’t get me in trouble. I’m not going to say anything.
On Damian: You don’t want your ass whooped, do you?
On Ambrose: Wants T.Y. Danjuma dead or alive.
Boy, this guy kept talking and talking I missed my scheduled exclusive interview with Mr. Fathead. But it was all-good. And it was all fun. Those were the pretty good old days when Okonkwo had to shop for his isi ewu in Las Vegas on his way to The Forum.
I think I like it better now. Think about it. We have NwaBiafra who travels thirty-five miles for gas on a 5 cents difference in his neighborhood. There is the eccentric Anaedo, the bookish Jude Olisa, the foul-mouth Tijani and the “proud native American” who goes by the name Mota Ogallala. There is also Ochiagha, the “I no go gree” Addy, Othniel, Godson Emerenini, NRIOZARA, Mojo Long, Nwa Aro’s nemesis Nwa Asaba, Nwa Aro himself, Wacko, Ogbunigwe, Ejiro Sakpo, Uwadiegwu, Yvette, Ijeoma, Chima Njoku, Regina, Kokori, Nigeria, Tina and Waypoint1Biafra, the psychoanalyst who almost made Sigmund Freud look like a dummy.
All in all, we have the magnificent Ukaobasi and the eloquent Teddy. By the way where are they now? Someone should go and check how long they were sentenced. Nobody is above the law. Yes, nobody, even MeBiafran. You feel me?
So keep it slamming folks because this house rocks.
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TB Only you can come up with all this stuff. Man do you ever go to sleep, you must spend all your time everyday figuring out all the names of the people that have passed through BNW living room. Brother you are something special, keep it up man.
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TB Thank you for remembering me o, the only thing be say man pikin just want to survive, that is why una no de see me too much any more. Plus I am angry with Bababoyz whose Papa chop all the police money, and him no give any to our yoruba people. I get I angry when I see Bababoyz come here to run him mouth with one liner.
___________________ suru le re Posts: 25 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2001
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I tip my hat for thee my brother this is a stimulating and hilarious piece. I enjoyed it even though I'm not about going anywhere anytime soon. I really, really liked yours all done in humor.
___________________ BIAFRA: The land of my ancestors now, yesterday and always. So it will be! Posts: 2482 | From: Ala Igbo | Registered: Apr 2004
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You have delivered again. Another hilarious piece which reminds me of the heydays of Mr. Lighthouse.
___________________ "We are where we are in large part at the moment, because our self-identified leaders of thought have put us there."----Ukpabi Asika Posts: 321 | From: Athens, Ohio USA | Registered: Mar 2001
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It must be eating you up that some of us work hard to make a living while you seat around waiting for your wife and daddy dearest to give you money. what a shame you turn out to be, all that money your father stole and yet you are loafing off your wife, I guess you are used to eating easy money you didn't work for.
I am happy you and the rest of my brothers and sisters got this joint going so good. I've just been going through the links and see many of the oldies, Ednut, bababoyz, Kishi, Biafra, Wale, onbanjo, Z. Karl, and Malcolm are all in the house. My man Sean mentioned BNW to me a while back, but I just got so much cooking. It's all good. My African girl took off with dude from her country, so I hooked up with a hottie from the Islands. Works just great for me; we get into it once in a while, but she don't be tripping when I'm hitting it.
Say, what happened to the Hutu brothers Toks and all from the old place?
Cheers bro, out.
___________________ Drop Down and get your Eagle on Boy Posts: 8 | From: USA | Registered: Jul 2004
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As usual, a masterful job from an accomplished pro. I go out on a limb to say that this place will NEVER be the same without your humourous titillations. Bravo!
Posts: 119 | From: USA | Registered: Aug 2001
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quote: It looks like TB is bringing out some good ole BNW members who have been in the ROM for too Long. Antoine welsh brother how have you been? - Biafra
Question, how could someone "Antoine welsh" registered in July of 2004 with one post be "good ole BNW members?" Looks more like a super rookie to me. What say ya? LOL.
___________________ BIAFRA: The land of my ancestors now, yesterday and always. So it will be! Posts: 2482 | From: Ala Igbo | Registered: Apr 2004
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I can tell you are new. Antoine Welsh may be new to BNW, but he certainly is not new to BiafraNigeria. He brought the show to a complete stop some years ago at egbeomooduduwa.com and drove many people insane.
___________________ The only solution is to divide BiafraNigeria. If not now, then when? If not us, then who? Posts: 173 | Registered: Mar 2001
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In salutation, I doff my hat. You're just too much.
Antoine Welsh:
Welcome to BNW. I must warn you, if you are chicken-hearted, this is not the place for you. Like they always say, fasten your seatbelt. Once again, welcome!
My name is Mota Ogallala Tekumseh, the proud native American.
___________________ The greatest thing about America is the right to disagree with the power structure without fear of torture or death at the hands of the government Posts: 217 | From: Ogallala, Nebraska, USA | Registered: May 2003
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Antoine Welsh was a vetran from Egbeomo.com, we had so many bruising battle at that site, that was why I made that Statement. He may be new to BNW but he is sure not a rookie.
You talkings to everybodies that you gbala bongo and goings to be knowings everybodies in ala anyi. I writings to be knowings myself if you doings to singings apama param apara for nda Warrior and Dan Satch. And you not talkings should in case so therefore you bringings nwa ada for everybodies and for ajujum I givings you aka ato. Thank you.
___________________ Agha bu njo Posts: 58 | From: Moscow | Registered: Aug 2003
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Thank you all for the kind words. I'm really kind of worried though that we've not heard from our good friend Ukaobasi. If you have a warrant, please, do not go and ask for him because they require identification.
I live here!
___________________ THE MORE YOU LOOK THE LESS YOU SEE Posts: 539 | From: Sin City, Sin World | Registered: Mar 2001
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Unfortunately, your advice was too late, Ambrose showed up to bail him, but he was arrested too for an outstanding warrant after checking his identity.
quote:Unfortunately, your advice was too late, Ambrose showed up to bail him, but he was arrested too for an outstanding warrant after checking his identity.
Now I believe this going by the writer's fath..'s "polis eliza" bleak background in a palmy society.
___________________ BIAFRA: The land of my ancestors now, yesterday and always. So it will be! Posts: 2482 | From: Ala Igbo | Registered: Apr 2004
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