You see my homeboy is one of those who must keep up with the Joneses but does not have the means to engage in such competitions.He virtually turned his wife into a pay check machine while parading his lazy ass as a business man.This guy is a very likeable and I must admit kind person, but I have always disliked his big talk.

So it was under this situation that he confessed to his wife that he had been bad and needed to clear his conscience before he was gone.Apart from his manipulating ways,he also confessed to infidelity on a trip when he was supposed to have gone on business at home.He said it was a one time thing and regreted it.I do not know him to be a player, so I am tempted to believe him.Well my homeboy recovered fully and his wife who initially took everything in good stride is now complaining about his relapsing to his old ways.Worse still she would no more let him go home without proper supervision or "monitoring".

That man really has a nerve. if I'm the wife, its adios, goodbye, and have a nice flingful life....way before his deathbed confession.

Are you saying the woman should just walk away from this marriage of two children and many years just like that?

Like I said I don't believe this guy is a player, but his associates are the type that spend 6 months in Nigeria while the wife is paying the mortgage America, this I believe caused his infidelity. People have tried counselling him to spend Just a few months in computer training and he would find a decent job afterall he is a college graduate.

Unfortunately, the wife is in no real marriage. Its a sham....the kind called, "amachigide uwa george". Again, the two children has had no fatherly (parental) support or nurture. The man never had the time. He cannot be called upon as a role model. Really, the wife has wasted many years of her life, as it is. She should cut her losses while she still can. Is she still not the sole bread winner?

Trully, if the presence of a wife and kids did not spur this man to get a decent and permanent job, in order to raise and nurture a stable and morally sound family, NOTHING will make him responsible.
The wife is not his mother. If he's old enough to get married , have children, and still fool around, he's old enough to bear the consequences of his actions. Its not his wife's fault that he is irresponsible.

As for his confession or its lack, I say, eventually, the wife would have found him out. Like they say, everyday for the thief, one day for the house owner.

You know this guy did not become like this overnight, he gradually detoriated after college, and it did not help he brought a wife who could not stand up to him.You see I do not support his life style, but they are too many people like him around him so it is hard for him to see it is wrong.Especially when his folks in the village are busy praising him for having started a house there, it's kind of hard for him to see his folly.

I still think she should give him another chance, but not let him keep manipulating her.Sister Amanda, it is not easy for a single woman out here, especially when she has never had an indpendent background.I believe his confession suggest's he still has a conscience and can be redeemed.That woman has to demand he cuts ties with his no good container carrying business partners.

Far from it this woman has been taken advantage of.You see what you have just said now is exactly what is excerbating the probelm. So many members of the community and my friends business accociates are blaming the lady rather than my homeboy who is the guilty party.

They now claim she is trying to act modern by challenging her husband.While I still think she should try to salvage the marriage my home has got to change his ways.By directing the attention to this woman's moral we are blaming the victim.

Biafranchild

Most of us are the "First Generation" products of polygamous and dysfunctional homes. This is not to say that one leads to the other, though. It can, often, become so difficult to stay and be married to one woman, the "american Way", unless the individual has almost completely become "americanised". How many of our men would publicly show affection to the women they love? How many will carry photographs of their lovers like a credit cards or drivers'license? When was the last time you went home (to Nigeria) and call (or write) your wife, daily, and tell her how much you miss her and her company? How many of us marry and are roaming the streets, daily, with me?

The reality is that most men marry for children and fear of being alone. Marriage, to them, doesn't mean commitment to a monogamous relationship. As long as they're not caught, all is fine, they'd presume. My advice to the young bachelors and spinsters is always: get rid of the "devil" before you join a Holy Matrimony, OR, tell your partners-to-be, your the real truth (and blame it on a Polygamous Gene from your Dad, to be Politically Correct!), and see if they'd take it prior to saying "I do".

For me, I attempt to have married folks as very casual friends, particularly my siblings. I do not want the husband to use me as an excuse (such as; I am going to see "COLO"!) to cheat on his wife, nor do I wish the wife blaming all the spouse's ills on the "single friend" of her husband. It can be a drag. Once my friend is married, the "four-corner" bond of friendship is severed to "less than a corner." It makes things a lot easier.

Yours is a case of "the old woman feeling uncomfortable when dry bones are mentioned". I know you can relate to this guys behaviour given your archaic beliefs on the other trend.

Once, I came across a Reverend. We were having a jovial banter when I asked him if he had had a carnal knowledge of any woman since he'd been in service. He blushed so bad, he was speechless. When he recovered his voice, he had difficulty keeping a straight face as he answered in the negative. You caught me unawares, he assured.

My take on this issue is that we may have overlooked a few things. By your own admission this guy is a nice and kind person. My feeling is that he may have been receiving some secret nagging from 'gentle' sister owing to his job situation. The worst thing that can happen to any African man is to depend on his wife for food. The guy may genuinely be looking for business opportunities which aren't forthcoming and this is his mistake. A man should not embark on any fianancially risky venture if he is not going to be able to shoulder it alone. It's ok if your wife is oyibo 'cause they don't care and their concept and understanding of love is very simple and uncomplicated.

The man has my sympathy. The fling is probably an outlet for the esteem problem he had at home; he wanted that bit of fantasy of a woman submitting to him which is never real in his case. Another thing you must Never underestimate is a woman's ability to play the innocent victim. If the man wants his LIFE back, then he should get a job or ensure he doesn't depend on her financially.

I've written this being fully aware I may be called old fashioned, but who cares? If you are thinking of marrying an african woman, please get a job first or ASAP. Ask anybody who has been under the mercy of a woman and they will tell you that these are nuggets of wisdom.

Wow I see you are living the life.Hey that was me some years back.Oh well, the lifestyle eventually lost it's glamour and even became boring.One by one my boys all got hooked up and eventually the hunt lost it's glamour as the hunters gradually retired.Need I say yours truly moved on albeit with a lot of uncertainty and caution based mainly on some of the ideologies you have professed above.To each his own my brother fun can be insatiable, but I hope you find satsfaction at some point.

Mazi Ohafia Udumeze
I hear you.I do not know about the UK, but out here in the good ole US of A the average white woman would put your ass out on the street if you keep failing to pay your share of the rent. As for our sistas .... he he he he he.... I am waiting for sister Amanda to handle your case by the time the weekend is over.

I really do not think you are old fashioned. I know that with a lot of undertanding, a man can setup his own business with the support of his wife.I believe any woman who does not support her husband to become self sufficient in this society is being short sighted.

However things should be planned together with the knowledge that the gains of the business would profit the family not just embellish one person's ego.Besides bro what is business ? is it spending 3 months in that hell hole Nigeria to clear a container of
$5,000 profit when you can earn same in less than 6 weeks of honest hard work.

Bro Ohafia,
From the objective (and moral... do unto others...) point of view, the guy did the undo-able by heaping all the burdens of family sustenance (financial, moral, emotional, social stability) on a woman who is not even independent minded. He should have held and maintained a steady job, at least. Whatever happened to "aka ikpa kwo akanri, akanri akwo aka ikpa?" (The left hand washes the right hand, and the right hand washes the left hand).

How bad a minority of our women are, they can never be on the same level with both white and black American/British.
Saddled with all these burdens, the wife never had a fling as an outlet for her down-trodden esteem at home. She didn;t even go wanting that bit of fantasy from a gentle knight in shining armor who'd have consoled her in her distress.
Plaese don't play down a woman's tendency to carry all the family'scrosses without complaining.

If the wife wants her life back, she should set the crosses aside, get some self improvement skills, and set the conditions for her continued life with the man.

Our Igbo woman are equipped with the abilities of a woman, homemaker, wife, mother, childbearer/rearer, angel, mediator, hard worker (professional and domestic), spiritualist, police, soldier, and a judge.
The least our men can do before approaching them for courtship/marriage, is to have a real job. This is a nudget of freedom.