I know my Igbo siblings back in Kano are counting their loses, however the wife of my townsman in LA just sent me this. Methinks, it is a funny article on Nigerians in Afghanistan.

Laugh at Nigeria, and cry for our people.

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I've been laughing since I read the report that our federal government is making plans to evacuate Nigerians in Afghanistan to Pakistan in the wake of the attacks in New York and Washington DC as it is expected that the US would strike that country silly. The Nigerian government has indicated that it does not want its citizens in Afghanistan to be caught in the cross fire and so its not leaving any stones un-turned in its resolve to care for Nigerians wherever they may be. Fair enough....good pro-active thinking.

Now, my question is, what in heaven's name are Nigerians doing in Afghanistan? Chei, wetin naija dey do for that kontry? I've travel around the world and have seen Nigerians in the most unlikely of places. I know we are everywhere, in Haiti, even Papua New Guinea, in cold, icy, snowy Siberia, in Iceland, in Greenland, in Tumbuctu, in Kinshasha, in Mogadishu and you name it, but Afghanistan? Now, this one is beyond me. Na wa for our people O, are we that
desperate? I know that the economic situation at home is harsh, NEPA dey take its tool and I know say armed robbers dey chase una everywhere una go sotey una no fit sleep well for night, but Afghanistan na him be the alternative? Chei, man pekin don suffer. See how IBB, Abacha and co don spoil our kontry sotey naijaman dey run go hide for Afghanistan of all places.

Heaven forbid that I "diss" a country like that, but I'm just being realistic. How can Nigerians go to a country where the owners of that country themselves are taking the first available flight out to Pakistan, Iran and to the assort former Soviet republics as refugees? What are Nigerians doing in a country whose economy is ten times worst than theirs? The Afghan currency is worthless. At least, 32,000 naira can give us about $230 [USD], but in Afghanistan, 32,000 of their currency when converted into US dollars only fetches a mere 50 cents, yes, 50 cents. How can such a country be better than ours economically that Nigerians are rushing there? Am I missing something? I need answers!!!

Since reading the report, I have cracked my brain to come up with possible reasons why Nigerians would rush to Afghanistan, a country which does not have any infrastructures whatsoever , no thanks to the Soviets who destroyed them during the Afghan-Soviet hostilities. No hospitals, NEPA, compared to Afghan irregular power supply is very efficient [I never thought I would live to see that], no running water, no reputable universities, no roads, no jobs. So why are Nigerians there? My beautiful city of Port-Harcourt would be like heaven to any Afghan. So why the rush?
Is there something in Afghanistan these Nigerians are going for that the rest of us have not yet discovered? In my confusion, I thought of many possible reasons.

Perhaps, I thought, they went for the beautiful Afghan women, after all, they are some of the most beautiful women in the world along with the Somali and Ethiopian women. But wait a minute, that can't be the case as their women have turned into walking masquerades and no men can behold their beautiful faces. Indeed, if one is not careful, one can mistaken them for a ghost, especially, at night if they are wearing all white or black.

So, Nigerians cannot be emigrating there because of the Afghan women. Indeed, if any Nigerian wants to kiss death, then he should attempt to frolic with those women and he would become an instant execution statistics. So we know for sure that the naija man did not go to Afghanistan for its women. We also know for sure that the naija man likes life. He likes life so much that he does not want to die and miss his owembe parties or miss an opportunity to amass more titles. So much for that reason.

O', maybe is for the natural beauty of the country. We have been told that it has beautiful and breath-taking mountains and that it has precious stones and rocks. But wait a minute, Nigerians do not care about these things. That is for the white man. Have you seen a naija man appreciating rocks and stones? Not even the influence of a thousand bottles of tumbo would make a naija man do that. Even the one who has lived in the West for donkey years still does not admire stones and rocks, not to talk of the one who went from Nigeria directly to Afghanistan.

Wouldn't the naija man have to find food for his stomach before he finds time to appreciate stones? Some naija men don't even appreciate their wives, the very ones who cook for them and satisfy them night in, night out, not to talk about stones and rocks. As far naija man is concerned, they [stones and rocks] are there to drive away dogs and chickens that invade his yard. And if you talk about mountains, nonsense, naija man does not care about those either. The only mountain he cares about is the one on his dinner plate or in his bank account. As long as the "eba" on his dinner plate and account are as high like Mt. Kilimanjero, he is fine.

So what could it be? O' maybe they went there for the museums. No way, which museums? How many museums wey we get for naija wey naija man go appreciate the value of museum? Abeg make I hear something. The only museums and ancient arts wey dey that kontry dem call Afghanistan the Taliban don take rocket destroy dem finish. Yeye people wey no know the value of art. So definitely, the Nigerians in that country did not go there for the artistic attraction presented by the museums. The only thing starting with the letter "m" wey naija man dey appreciate na "MONEY" and "MORE MONEY".

O' wait a minute, I got it, its for the opium, yes, that it is, the opium. You know, Afghanistan is known for its abundant production of that product which is an ingriedient in heroin. Chei, my naija man, he has gone there to help himself amply to some opium, another form of "ganja". Trust naija man---anywhere the "goods" dey him go find dem, even for dry Afghanistan. I'm sure my naija man dey relax kampe for kabul dey smoke some opium in its purest form accompanied by some correct imported bottles of kai kai from his village and at the same time dey count some naira and plan his next 419 move.

Chei, naija man, I dey fear you, O. If no be opium why else naija man go go to that desolate kontry wey their own citizens dey pick race commot like say dem be Olympic sprinters? Even their women know how to pick race in spite of that their dress wey look like halloween costume. Don't let the dress and veil fool you O! Some of their women dey faster than Sydney Olympic gold medalist Marion Jones. Why else? Either Nigeria must be so bad that Afghanistan is looking like a paradise to Nigerians or there is something smoking down there in Kabul. Knowing my naija broda, I say its got to be the "smoke."