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The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
 
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said......"Implants?'"
 
I don't do drugs anymore because I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
 
Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
 
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
 
I don't approve of political jokes..I've seen too many of them get elected.
 
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
 
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and sh*thead's.
 
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
 
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
 
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she usually gives me.
 
Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
 
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
 
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
 
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
 
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
 
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
 
The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
 
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
 
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

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Forward ever, backward never!