posted
Finally, we are in a sparkling new year! It is the year of Our Lord 2004! And what better way is there to enter the new year than to welcome it with smiles and hope. May all your hopes and aspirations be met in this new year.
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
You have undoubtedly come across this question several times and you might have wondered why it seems as if this question has no particular satisfactory answer. You are not alone. Here, we will examine the responses of different people when this supposedly simple question was posed. Enjoy!
George Bush's Answer: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
Al Gore's Answer: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
Bill Gates' Answer: I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
Martha Stewart's Answer: No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
Dr. Seuss' Answer: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!
Ernest Hemingway's Answer: To die. In the rain. Alone.
Martin Luther King Jr's Answer: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa's Answer: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Barbara Walters' Answer: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
Ralph Nader's Answer: The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
Jerry Seinfield's Answer: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
Pat Buchanan's Answer: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Rush Limbaugh's Answer: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
Jerry Falwell's Answer: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
John Lennon's Answer: Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
Aristotle's Answer: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx's Answer: It was a historical inevitability.
Saddam Hussein's Answer: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Voltaire's Answer: I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
Captain Kirk's Answer: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Matthew Okikiolakan Aremu Olusegun Obasanjo’s Answer: Shut up. You must be lazy for asking me this question! I don’t have to be here to answer this question. A plane is waiting to fly me to 10 Downing Street and you are here asking me this silly question? Ehmm, you know what? Meet the vice-president after I am done talking to you. Perhaps, you might be helpful to this government sef. I need you to investigate to know whether this new chicken road-crossing stunt is responsible for the sudden disappearance of all the chicken in my Ota farm.
Fox Mulder's Answer: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
Bill Clinton's Answer: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
Albert Einstein's Answer: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
Chris Uba’s Answer: It was running from the deal we had! It had promised to surrender all its eggs for 2 years and now it has simply disagreed to do its part. So, I told the chicken that I will be coming to kidnap it with 200 hawks Which particular road did you see that chicken crossing, please?
Sigmund Freud's Answer: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
L.A.P.D.'s Answer: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Richard Nixon's Answer: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Buddha's Answer: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Chris Ngige’s Answer: Because a certain mean-spirited fellow had recently been terrorizing all the peaceful chicken in this poultry farm. I don’t mean to come across as a pretentious whistleblower, but I think the ‘powers that be’ are secretly sponsoring the menace of this mean-spirited fellow. Just watch, very soon, not only would chickens be crossing the road in earnest, cats, dogs, sheep and cows would join the exercise.
Joseph Stalin's Answer: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.
Adolphus Wabara’s Answer: I may be dumb, spineless, clueless and dishonest but I am not totally useless. All I know is that whatever Obasanjo said when you asked him this question is right! The chicken crossed the road because it saw the wisdom in obeying Obasanjo’s wish that it cross the road. If Obasanjo wants me to cross the road on my knees, I would gladly oblige.
Carl Jung's Answer: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and, therefore, synchronously brought such occurrences into being.
Louis Farrakhan's Answer: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
Ibrahim Badamasi Babangida’s Answer: The chicken was practicing the safest way to get across a major source of danger before I ‘annulled’ the farm. This chicken has “Maradonic” tendencies. I stepped aside once and now that I am back to claim what’s mine, I think this chicken would be useful to my government.
Muhammadu Buhari’s Answer: The chicken lacks discipline. If I was around, this chicken would have been flogged publicly. Anyways, this chicken better not cross the roads in the North when I get back the power that the sly fox you interviewed directly before me usurped , because, it would be ampu....no, it will be wing-tated! Actually, it crossed the road with its legs so the legs should be... oh screw it! If the chicken wants pardon, I would recommend that it tell all the muslim chicken in the farm not to vote for a non-muslim chicken contesting for power!
Chukwuemeka Odumegwu Ojukwu’s Answer: I thought you would have asked me why the energetic Rooster, the proud symbol of APGA, and by extension, most of traditional Igbo society crossed the road. If you had done so, I would have gladly regaled you with the wonderful stories that my father told me.
Abubakar Atiku’s Answer: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him. Get me El-Rufai on the phone so that I can find out if there is another piece of real estate in Abuja that I can appropriate for myself. Who cares about chickens crossing roads? Oh wait, it better not cross any road that leads to any of my estates or it is toast!
Oliver Stone's Answer: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
The Pope's Answer: That is only for God to know.
Immanuel Kant's Answer: Chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.
Zebrudaya’s Answer: Me Zebrudaya Okoroigwe Nwogbo alias 430 are does not to be knowing why chick are to be cross road. Mgbo piafukwa gi ishi for you to be ask me that idiosyncracy. Gbo Ovuleria, are you ever see this madding madness in the before? Ehmm, questionnaire, who are you are to be disturb me this af’noon when I was to be barber my head to be ask me this comcombility?
Wole Soyinka’s Answer:: A complex chain of events triggered this singular avian phenomenon. It is my opinion that this manifestation is a testament that this most ungrateful bird might perhaps have chanced upon the secrets behind the deaths of Dele Giwa and Bola Ige during the brief period that I introduced it to my spacious library, and thus being possessed by diabolical greed despite its manifest niggardly mental capability had decided to run to the jive-talking Rambo in charge. This reflex could have been because of debilitating fear for its life or perhaps it expected to get a reward. That, my friend is the most compelling reason why that non-sapient Ave would venture across macadamized terrain.
George Orwell's Answer: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Plato's Answer: For the greater good.
Nietzsche's Answer: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Orji Uzor Kalu’s Answer: I see the chicken crossing the road frequently nowadays and I am sad that they are beginning to flee the farm. It is my understanding that there was a time when jackals attacked the farm and wiped nearly all the chicken out. That is sad, but I was just a boy when this happened so I really do not care to know what happened to these birds. Actually, despite the fact that most of these chickens that cross the roads at an alarming rate are endangering themselves, I still think that they should never try to flee the farm where those jackals attacked them. I think they (the chickens) should apologize to the jackals! By the way, I want to be the sheepishly grinning sidekick to two of the most powerful of these jackals at the same time if possible. How else could I still maintain control of the few things I have left in this animal farm?
B.F. Skinner's Answer: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.
Jean-Paul Sartre's Answer: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Emily Dickenson's Answer: Because it could not stop for death.
O.J. Simpson's Answer: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
Michael Jackson’s Answer: (sob sob) The chicken crossed the road because it got tired of sleeping with me on my bed in Neverland! You better stop looking at me funny because I think it is perfectly normal for someone to sleep with another person’s bird on the same bed! ( sob sob) Go away. I hang out with new people now. My friends in the nation of Islam think these tough questions you ask are designed to keep a black brother down; and oh yes, I am black! Looks can deceive. Wait, don’t leave yet. Do you want to see my tree-house?
Osama bin Laden’s Answer: I have instructed the chicken to hijack a 48-foot, 18-wheeler and run it straight into the nearest 7-11 store. That way we can deny the enemy the luxury of freshly brewed coffee, multicolored slurpies or the regular carton of eggs and gallon of milk. Mullah Omar, is this a good plan or are we indirectly helping to reduce the enemy’s growing obesity problem? All praises be to Allah that the mad cow incident affected only the beef industry cos quite frankly, I can’t say that I will last more than a day if the enemy’s pork, bacon or ham industries suffered a hit too! You gotta have your bacon, egg and cheese sandwich, smokey bacon hotdogs and of course the junior bacon cheeseburger! Wait reporter, you have to edit that last part out of your final presentation because I don’t want to lose my fan base!
Mike Tyson’s Answer: I am a beatht(read beast), maan! Hey yo, tell that chicken that ammo eat it kidth(kids) alive. Whatchu thmiling(smiling) at? Pleathe don’t pith me off. Look, I got the thcarth(scars) to show for it. Thtupid chicken! Git yo thangs and git up outta here!
Howard Dean’s Answer: President Bush is responsible. He blew the surplus and now there is no money to build sidewalks for the chicken. Time to join together to stop Bush and his neoconservative gang. He was given tremendous support during the calamity of 2001, but he has squandered it for cheap partisan gain. It is time to tell the chickens to stage a protest. Let them cross the road back and forth till unwaveringly till everyone recognizes their case!
Kobe Bryant’s Answer: After the chicken consented to my base desires, it suddenly wanted to make some money off me. Little did it know that I saw it when it crossed the road to go to another man’s house. I am innocent.
Sanni Abacha’s Answer: No comment. Can you see my eyes through these dark glasses?
Fela Anikulapo Kuti’s Answer: Ahhh, na suffering and smiling oh.....chicken get wahala oh.....u sabi say chicken no dey waste time again oh......anything happen na quicki quicki e go use cross road oh....u no go see chicken again oh.....
Omo iya, sebi u see say na Chicken Road-crossing wahala we dey suffer now oh.......follow me sing this song Naijuria pipool oh....
Na suffering and smiling oh................
Austin Stonecold’s Answer: The chicken finally crossed the road? You know what? Gimme a “Hell yeah!”
Obafemi Martin’s Answer: What do you mean by asking me this? Are you judging me by my size on the Inter Milan line up—you trying to say I look like a chicken? Okay, even if I look like a chicken in that line up, I am pretty fast. I am one chicken that will cross the ro...the 18-yard box like a flash of lightening!
Jackie Chan’s Answer: Kungpao chicken.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Answer: The chicken crossed the road because that is how ve do it in Cah-lee-foe-nyaaaa! Hasta la vista people, the chicken that crossed the road VILL BEE BAHCK!
This left me totally stupefied with breathless amazement at the talent displayed herein, Even as my whole constitution racked in uncontainable laughter.
You must have worked on and come up with this stuff recently to have included Chris Ubah, Ngige, Wabara, Orji kalu, Soyinka, and Fela among many hilarious others.
Kudos to the talent my brother. It is a rare feat of sophisticated humor.
___________________ YA CAIN'T KEEP A GOOD MAN DOWN :) Posts: 1182 | From: TEXAS | Registered: Oct 2001
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posted
Ehm, rather than create lots of threads concerning the few Jokes that might have made its way to my email, I think will share them all here.
Mayonnaise Jar and a Few Beers
When things in your life seem almost to much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar........and the beer.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents of the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided,"I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal.
"Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
Posts: 535 | From: Madam Chichi's Isiewu & Palmy Joint | Registered: May 2003
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Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends.
They had a great time. However, with hangovers and everything, they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the morning of the exam. Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they missed the final.
They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus.
The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final.
The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. It was something simple. 'Cool,' they thought. 'This is going to be easy.' They did that problem and then turned the page.
They were not prepared, however, for what they saw on this page.
It's a regular class at a university. Forum type, 300 to 400 students. The teacher is notoriously nasty with people who are tardy and he has a policy that when he says, 'STOP,' you stop taking your exam. Well one day he yells STOP! All the students stop and turn their tests in, except for one student. So the teacher thinks, 'OK, I'll let him keep going to waste his time.'
So five minutes pass and the late student walks up and tries to turn in his paper. But the professor says: Sorry I can't take your paper
Student: Why not?
Professor: Because you're late.
Student: (angrily) Do you know who I am?
Professor: (looks at the student) No.
Student: (Raises his voice) Do you know who I AM?
Professor: (acting nonchalantly) No
So the student grabs the stacks of tests, shoves his tests in the middle of the pile and walks off.
Posts: 535 | From: Madam Chichi's Isiewu & Palmy Joint | Registered: May 2003
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